


Deep Breath

by meesherbeans



Series: You Make Me Feel Human [24]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Comfort/Angst, F/M, Fade to Black, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-06 19:53:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3146600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meesherbeans/pseuds/meesherbeans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the night before the final assault and Shepard can't stop obsessing over the impending battle. Kaidan tries his best to reassure her everything will be fine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

So this is really it. The final breath before the plunge. Once we take out the Illusive Man's base, the fleets are immediately mobilizing for their attack on Earth. Everything we're doing is a long shot, but we have no choice. It's fight or die, and I sure as hell don't plan on rolling over so the Reapers can harvest us. I'm trying to take some small amount of comfort in the fact that numbers-wise it looks like there's nothing more I can do…but it's not working. There has to be _something_ I missed, something that will make this knot in my stomach go away. I toss another datapad behind me, pulling the one with Hackett's latest fleet numbers.

"Heh…can't sleep, either?"

My head shoots up at the familiar voice, eyes all too happy to focus on Kaidan instead of reports. He's got two glasses and a bottle of that whiskey; of all the times to drink…ah, it's so him. I shake my head and sit back with a sigh. "No. I can't."

He kneels next to my desk chair and sets the booze down on the desk. The way his arm sneaks around my shoulders gives me a small shiver. "Listen, making yourself crazy with this won't help." Kaidan lifts the last datapad from my grasp and sets it to the side, rubbing my shoulder. He always knows just what to say, but…

I clear my throat and reach for the report again. "Kaidan, I need to–"

"–Shhh." Strong fingers slowly trail their way up my arm and begin to knead away at the stress in my neck. _God,_ I forgot how good he was at that. "Just take five minutes; a quick drink, and then I'll go."

How can I say no to that? I'd say or agree to almost anything to keep him from stopping. Eventually I find the will to shake my head before slumping against him. "Fine…" I let him twist my chair around, concerned brown eyes immediately catching mine.

"Hey, you know you've done everything that you could, right?"

He means well. Kaidan always means well, but I just don't know if I can believe him. Something feels wrong about it all; similar to what I felt before Virmire. Usually my gut instinct is invaluable, but on nights like tonight…well, I could do without it. I force myself to take a breath and look away, back to the pile of datapads.

Ash wouldn't want me breaking down the night before it all went down. I can just imagine her now: _Chin up and go kiss the LT, Skipper. No one takes down a badass Alliance woman._ "I hope so. I keep running the numbers to see if I've missed something."

A tiny bit of guilt wracks me as frustration leaks into Kaidan's voice. He hates it when I try to shut him out. "You don't _have_ to take this all on yourself. Look to your crew, to the talented people fighting by your side." He gets quiet and for once, I allow him to gently twist my face back to face him. "Look to _me. I'm_ here for you. Always will be."

It may not be exactly the same, but his assurances throw me back to before we hijacked the first Normandy. _I'm here for you, but we're in a rough spot, and the last thing I want to do is complicate things._ My fingers find their way to his temple, brushing against the few grey hairs he swears aren't actually there. I'm not amused, but I laugh quietly anyway. Every time something looks hopeless, he tells me that I can do it and then I do. So much for being an independent badass. "Seems like you've told me it'll be alright a lot over the years, Kaidan. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. One person can only take so much on their own before they need to share it with someone. I've been trying to get you to realize that for weeks." The pride in his smile gives me some energy. "What you've accomplished since the Reapers have arrived is nothing short of amazing. You've done so well with what the galaxy gave you. It's…it's gonna be…" Brown eyes look away, a torn expression twisting his face.

_Everything will be fine, Shepard. You'll figure it out._

Please, Kaidan. Just say it. I need to hear those words right now. He can lie to me, I don't really care. He was lying to me then, too. I begged him to. Given all the shit that's happened in the past few months, I'm not particularly above it again. My hand drifts to cup his cheek, trying to restrain myself. "Please?"

A few long moments later, he rests his head in my hand. "It's…gonna be what it is."

I promised myself I wouldn't cry, especially when he came up here tonight. Regardless of whether we win or lose the fight tomorrow, things will still be different. I want to remember our last night together as a good memory, not recalling a whole bunch of bellyaching. But the moment he stops and realizes he can't lie to me about our chances, my heart drops.

"Come on."

I'm nearly numb at this point, letting Kaidan lead me over to sit on the couch. Numbers run through my mind again, trying to calculate if my suggestion to divide the turian and Alliance fighters was a truly wise one. Just as I begin to question if arming the quarian live ships was smart, Kaidan pulls me against him. A warm whisper breaks my concentration as hands gently massage my back. "I love you. The important thing is that we stick together."

Sudden realization dawns: he's scared I'm not going to take him with me. I'd laugh if it wasn't so absurd. The two of us work so fluidly together on the battlefield; even if we weren't…together, I'd still insist on Kaidan watching my flank. It's just natural. I wrap my arms around him, nestling my face in the crook of his neck. "Kaidan, I'm not leaving you behind." I can actually feel his muscles relax a bit when I reassure him. Silly man. I tighten my embrace after crawling to curl up on his lap. "But you better watch your back out there."

"Aye aye, ma'am." Lips press against my neck, warm goosebumps rippling down my back. A soft chuckle can't help but escape from my throat; maybe this is what I need. To just forget everything for one last night and enjoy his company. If there's one thing the two of us had gotten really good at, it was privately relieving stress before a dangerous mission.

I drift fingers up and down the arm he has around my waist, thoughtful. There have been times I want to run away from it all and find a spot to hide out. Obviously the time for _that_ has long past, but for tonight… Tonight, all I want to do is disappear. I quickly pull back and glance in Kaidan's direction, a similar longing reflected in his eyes. My lips quirk into a smile. "So, Major. How's this kind of distraction is supposed to help us win the war?"

"Distraction? I'm not a distraction." He grins and drags his hands down my sides. "I'm here to help you relax. Relaxing will help you…focus."

Oh, lord. His voice just got deeper. I barely let him get the last word out before my lips are on his, hands gliding up to grab a fistful of his shirt. Everything else flees my mind the second his fingers lace through my hair: Reapers, Illusive Man, Earth, all of it. The words Kaidan had used years ago to utterly decimate my defenses float to the top of my memory.

_But you and I…we are important right now. This is what will never happen again: us._

We've had a hell of a time of it, with me dying and coming back to life, then him almost dying, and me almost dying again on Despoina. Despite it all, we somehow managed to stay together. On some nights during my pursuit of the Collectors, the only thing that kept me from giving up and hiding out in some remote colony world was the thought that if I didn't stop them, no one would. If they were given free rein to do as they pleased, eventually they'd get Kaidan. Estranged or not, _no one_ was turning him into a husk.

Call me protective.

A soft groan slips from his throat, followed by a deep chuckle. He pulls away and watches me silently. I shiver as his eyes and fingers both trace my face. It's an oddly intimate moment, our eyes locked. The small smile he cracks after running a finger along my jaw is nearly my undoing, until the faint sadness begins to shine through. It hits me that he's memorizing my face.

In case I don't come back again.

"Kaidan, don't loo–" Two fingers quietly press against my lips, silencing me. I want to make a defiant gesture but it's just not coming to me; instead I push back, kissing his fingers.

Brown eyes slowly close, opening only after he firmly plants his hands on the sides of my face. "I know." The easy vulnerability shining in his gaze takes my breath away. "I just…every once in a while, it'll hit me again that you're really here. Not just a figment of my imagination…actually alive and here with me."

I can't even imagine trying to spend two years thinking Kaidan was dead, only to find him alive again. How he kept sane is beyond me. Having people look to me as some sort of savior or hero always bothers me, because I'm just doing my job, like any real soldier would; but Kaidan is the one exception. As his thumbs gently stroke my cheek, expression far more reverent than I normally would tolerate, I realize he deserves it. I smile and run my fingers through his hair.

"I promised myself I wouldn't make any kind of big speech or talk too much, but I can't help it. I am by far the luckiest man alive, Lia. I've always loved you; through these years, throughout everything, and you found your way back to me… I love you so much."

This is one of those few times that smiling during a happy moment makes no sense; it's too serious. If only I were half as good at expressing myself as he is. I pause and try to collect my thoughts, scattered as they are after  _that._ Few people have been able to sweep me off my feet, and none of them have ever been as successful as Kaidan. Everything I could possible say in reply sounds so stupid in my head. A few moments of fighting with myself, I finally whisper the only thing that isn't corny. "I love you, too."

_Ah, the hell with it._

I softly blurt out the rest of it, too. "More than anything. Kaidan, I…I couldn't have done this without you. Thank you." Before he can respond, I lean forward to press my lips against his.

He gives me a good natured grin when we part, shaking his head slightly. "Yes, you could have. That's one of the things I love about you: you never give up." Just as I begin to argue the point, he pushes my legs around so that I'm straddling him and stands up, hefting me along with him.

"What are you…?" I don't giggle often, but occasionally he'll do something so ridiculous that it just bubbles up and out of me. His immediate response to the sound is to bury his face in the folds of my hoodie. I laugh and nudge him away. "Come on, Kaidan. We need to get some sleep."

His low, growled response completely destroys my self control. "Not yet." My breath flees in a whoosh of shocked air as I feel his lips seek out the small bit of neck I have exposed. Fingers automatically latch onto the back of his shirt and begin to tug it off as he kneels to slide me onto the bed.

The last time we were in this predicament – the final night before taking the plunge into what will most likely be oblivion – I spent the entire time thinking _this could be it._ I wanted everything to be as beautiful and perfect and memorable as possible. As Kaidan catches my eye and laces his fingers through mine, I realize that what he said earlier is exactly right: it's gonna be what it is.

And right now, I wouldn't want it any other way.


	2. Chapter 2

Earlier, I promised myself that I wouldn't get carried away. Tonight was just another night, and Cronos would be just another fight waiting for us when we woke up. Wiping out the Illusive Bastard once and for all would be a cakewalk, and then the fleets will just decimate the Reapers, letting the Crucible become a kill switch for them. At least that's what I _hope_ will happen.

Need to happen.

I need this. We need this. There's been enough death, destruction and tragedy. I _can't_ lose her again. I can't. I wouldn't be able to take it.

As my fingers gently drift along her bare shoulder, silvered by the fish tank's glow, I'm overcome with wonder again. At this point, it's reasonable to assume this feeling will never go away completely. The two years I spent in darkness, blindly following orders so I wouldn't have to feel…they seem a lifetime away. A different person. Because against all odds, I got her back. The heart is a funny thing; it can take a beating, be utterly crushed, and yet feel so full and alive when mended.

She sighs softly and pushes back against me, skin against skin. Red hair tickles my nose and I have to blow it away with a puff of air. After a few minutes, her breathing returns to normal. Asleep again, and it seems – for once – like she's not having a nightmare. Not yet, at least. I can help protect her from bullets, biotics, grenades, you name it…but the one thing I can never protect her from is herself; and naturally, that's the most dangerous one of all. Although I can't complain too much, to be honest. Her sense of dignity, integrity and compassion, they're the reasons I fell so hard. Was willing to break the rules.

I know she'll never truly understand what I went through mourning her, and on the flip side I'll never truly understand what she went through, losing two years of her life. The haunted dread that immediately flooded her eyes when we found out that Leviathan had taken ten years from those people… It scared me, to be honest. I've seen her angry, I've seen her sad; I've seen her stare off in thought. But that? There was a darkness, a deep loss there that echoed all too well in my own heart. I _never_ want to see her eyes glaze over like that again, hollow. It seems like we both still harbor deep scars from her death.

Some are more visible than others. I softly touch the glowing orange cracks on her cheek. Cybernetic scars. What must it _be_ like to wake up every morning and see your face etched with machinery, cybernetic upgrades you didn't ask for? From the offhanded jokes she throws around, bragging about being a robot like EDI, it probably bothers her more than she lets on. My thumb runs over the implant site on her neck and I resist the urge to kiss it. I plant a kiss over her temple instead before leaning back on my elbow. There's no harm in talking to her while she's asleep, right? At worst, she'll wake up, mumble a question, and go back to sleep.

"I love that you're such a deep sleeper sometimes." I can't help smiling softly, pulling her a little closer. "It lets me do stuff like this. Talk when you're not listening. Listen, Lia, I love you. I always will. You know, all I want to do is spend my nights like this: watching you sleep."

My throat closes up when it hits me that it really might be the last chance I have to do that. "Every night you were gone, I lay awake, wishing you would show up. That a miracle would walk through the door and pull me out of hell. You can't do that to me again; I wouldn't be able to take it. I tried living without you, and I can't do it. I was completely lost without you. I know we need to save the galaxy, that you won't let me or yourself do any less than that, but if you don't make it back again…"

I have to pause and breathe for a few moments, face buried in bright red strands. No. Just…no. "If you don't make it back, I don't make it back. I failed to protect you on the original Normandy, and that won't happen again. I promise. So be careful tomorrow. Remember, I love you."

I lie down on my side and take a deep breath. Needless speech out of the way, I think I can finally sleep.

* * *

Rarely do I sleep deeply, and when I do, it typically means that I was dreaming. Which…is usually bad. Tonight, I didn't even dream. Too much stress. My eyes slowly open and adjust to the light. At first that fish tank annoyed the crap out of me, but when Kaidan started sneaking back up here every night, I began to appreciate its value. Turn off all the rest of the lights in my cabin, and it's an instant mood setter. Plus I never have to worry about stubbing my toe. It's quite useful.

That crick in my back is acting up again; I very carefully shift to lie flat and stare out the window above us. Kaidan's out like a light, and as soon as I'm comfortable again, he unconsciously snuggles right back up. I don't mind. I'm feeling a bit needy myself at the moment. My eyes slowly ponder the little specks of light twinkling back at me. Space always feels so fragile to me. When you're up close to a star, you realize just how big and how untouchable it truly is, but from back here, lying in bed with the man I love, it all looks so peaceful. Beautiful, delicate.

The reason for my sleeplessness comes back around full circle. _I'm_ the one in charge of protecting all those stars, those planets. Somehow, everything in this completely fucked up galaxy has fallen to me. It felt like enough of a victory taking _one_ Reaper down back during the Battle of the Citadel…how does everyone expect me to be able to lead the entire galaxy to take down _all_ the rest? Even I can't do this. I just can't. I'm only one woman.

A soft sleep moan hums in my ear and I can't help gently pushing Kaidan away, sliding my legs to the side of the bed. I don't really mind his sleep noises, but staring up at space only makes it all worse right now. A quick glance over to the clock by our bed makes me realize I was only out for two hours. No wonder I didn't dream.

I run my fingers through my hair, trying to decide if I should take a shower before the assault. Pros: clean. Cons: less time to sleep and prepare. Decision: take one; they usually help clear my head.

I should make sure that everyone else is ready, too. Garrus is probably still up, working on the ship's guns…ah, maybe Liara made him go to bed. Hah, I never would've pictured the two of them together, but it works in a weird way. EDI never technically sleeps. I should see if Cortez is still awake. I wouldn't put it past him to still be tweaking the stabilizers on the Kodi–

"Hey." Warm fingers brush against my shoulder, and I nearly jump to my feet. "You okay?" The bed shifts as Kaidan's voice, soft and sleepy, moves closer. Dammit, he woke up.

I start to nod, _want_ to nod, yet all I can do is shake my head and lower it. It's the middle of the night and I am so tired of lying. He's right about one thing: I do never give up. Still, sometimes even Commander Shepard needs a shove in the right direction. This may make me sound weak, but the responsibility is beginning to get to me. "No. I'm not."

I hear the sheets rustle and feel a calloused hand gently rub my back. "What's wrong, Lia?"

What's wrong? What _isn't_ wrong? I know that's not what he means by the question, though. He wants to know what's upsetting me. I guess 'everything' isn't good enough an answer. The fleets are depending on me. All of Earth is depending on me. Everyone I've ever cared about is relying on _me_ to save them all.

This isn't like the Collector Base, where everyone pulled their own weight. I make one wrong call, give one late order, and hundreds if not thousands of people die. One slipup on my part and all of civilization dies. Maliha, Anderson, everyone aboard this ship. All those soldiers who don't actually know me but know my name and my face. My former crewmembers, wherever they are now. I can feel the pressure squeezing me, like a set of under armor that's a size too small.

"I… Can…" Trying to find the right words is like pulling teeth. "Kaidan…can I do this?"

There. I asked it. Time for Commander Pansyass to get comforted by her boyfriend.

He sighs and moves to sit next to me. We sit in silence for a few long moments, fingers interlocked. I really hope he's building up the courage to lie to me. It'd be a huge blow if Kaidan couldn't lie to me about _my_ being able to handle it all. "Of course you can."

Well, that didn't sound like a lie at all. In fact…he sounded pretty confident. I blink and look over to him, brown eyes steadily meeting my own. He looks like he means it, too. Does he actually think that I can do this? Lead millions of people into battle against an enemy that outnumbers, outguns and outsmarts us?

"I meant what I said earlier: what you've accomplished since the Reapers arrived is nothing short of amazing. A miracle, really." His hands tighten around mine, grounding me. "Lia, you got the turians and the krogan to work together. Then you did the impossible and united the quarians and the geth. The entire galaxy is unified, ready to take the Reapers down, and it's all because of you. We have hope again. So, yeah. You can do it."

On one hand, I know he's right; I'd done a lot of crazy things over the past few months, and if there was anyone who could do it, it'd be me. But on the other hand, all I can think about is what might go wrong. What if I make a bad call and good people die? What if something I do gets Kaidan killed?  I'm not normally someone who obsesses over battle plans and worries so much about casualties, but there's just been so much death and loss since I touched that beacon.

Seems like even I have a breaking point. My eyes silently drift back down to the floor. "I don't know if hope is enough, Kaidan. Not this time."

The quiet burbling of my fish tank is the only sound in the room as he leans to wrap his arms around me, leaning his forehead against my temple. We sit for a long time, heads pressed together. At some point, my hands drift up to hold his arm closer. It's surprisingly comforting.

I can't even begin to count how many minutes did or didn't pass, and eventually a sigh finds its way to my ear. I'm immediately alarmed – he sounds upset. Really upset. Raspy, even broken. I try to push Kaidan away, though his grip is viselike. We're both soldiers, but I always forget how much bulkier he is than me; I'm far more agile.

"No. I…need to say this." I stop moving, waiting for him to continue talking. "Sometimes hope is all you have. I spent two years living on blind hope: hope I'd wake up and it'd all have been a nightmare, or that you'd walk through my door and tell me it was all an undercover op, or that I'd just get killed in action already and meet up with you again."

His admission that he'd fallen that far into depression took my breath away. We'd talked about it, a little, but that…

"That hope kept me going, made sure that I always got through to the next day. And this is more than that. This isn't blind hope. There's an actual fleet full of real people who believe in you. Who believe that there's going to be a tomorrow. Who believe the Crucible is going to work. You've given them that, given me that." As he tenderly pushes my face to meet his eyes, all I see is steadfast confidence. "No one else could have done it. We _can_ do this. I'll be with you every step of the way. We'll kick the Reapers straight to hell, and then run off together."

It's always shocking to me how much he seems to have aged in a mere three years. Physically, sure, it makes sense: he's been in a lot of tough fights…but Kaidan's had this tired, jaded look in his eyes. The only time it ever disappeared was when we were alone and drunk; and that was once. I miss the old Kaidan sometimes, the one who could light up a room with his boyish smile and a wink. The way he could just look at me and I knew that there was at least one person who was absolutely positive that I was making the right call. Complete trust.

I know he supports me. He wouldn't have backed down on the Citadel if he didn't, and he definitely wouldn't have gone along with bringing the geth into the fold otherwise. However for some reason, I didn't feel that unconditional trust flowing between us…until now. There may be crow's-feet crinkling around his eyes, and there are more scars marring his skin, but Kaidan has never looked younger to me. His gaze is shining with certainty again. Alive. It reminds me of our final conversation before heading out to deal with Saren.

_"Alright, Lieutenant. You ready?"_

_Hands cupped my face as he slowly brushed hair away from my eyes. The absolute faith twinkling in his brown eyes was nearly enough to undo me again, right there. I'd never felt so loved or supported in my entire life. "Ready for anything. Commander."_

_Gods, did I love him. I pushed up and caught his lips in one last wild kiss. Thankfully he had more self-control than I did and managed to pull back after a few long seconds._

_"As much as I want to keep doing that, we have a galaxy to save. Come on." His hand reached for mine, squeezing it before leading me next to my cabin door._

_The last thing I wanted to do was be morbid, but it had hit me again that we were doing something far more dangerous than normal. "Kaidan, I…" No. No, I made him promise not to say it to me; why would I do that now? If I told him I loved him at that exact moment, it'd just distract us both further. Instead, I smiled. "We can do this, can't we?"_

_"Yeah, we can. And we will."_

_His lips pressed against my forehead one more time before he slipped out of my room. I really believed him. We_ were _going to win._

In hindsight, defeating Saren and by proxy Sovereign wasn't that bad. It was hard, don't get me wrong, but if we only knew what awaited us just a few years later, the both of us likely would have been a little less worried about our making it out alive. We're different people now, hurt and scared of losing each other again. Yet none of it matters when Kaidan looks at me with that gaze. I reach up to brush his cheek, captivated. "We can do this, can't we?"

"Yeah, we can. Come on, we both need our sleep." I am all too willing to let him pull me back under the covers, pressing the full length of my body against him. We both laugh quietly as he yanks the blankets over our heads and envelopes us in warm darkness. Arms hold me close and I can feel his breath washing over my cheek. "I love you, Lia."

Even in the dark, I know exactly where his face is. I quietly smile and lean to kiss the scar on his lower lip. It was that scar that started our first long conversation together; I had asked him where it was from, and we both shared some stories. Next thing either of us knew, the night had slipped away completely. Simpler times that weren't simple at all.

Every once in a while I'll remember and wish to be back then again, but what Kaidan said a little bit ago applies: it's gonna be what it is. Wishing to go back in time isn't healthy and it only cheapens what we have now. It's still special and it's still worth fighting for…maybe even more so. I mean, if we've gotten through all the shit we've made it past so far, we can handle anything. Even Reaper armies.

I may still be worried, because that's what I do, but he is right. We can do this. Together.


End file.
